1. Leave the faucet running when you leave. It might be a questionable use of natural resources, but it tastes better. And we mean the bathroom faucet. Not the kitchen faucet. The spigot is too high and it splashes and gets our paws wet.

2. Make the sparkly pink thing move. Listen, we know you're the one doing it. But we still like it and pretend that it's something we can attack. It doesn't move unless you are holding it. So, yeah. Make it move.

3. Accidentally drop food on the floor. Nacho flavored tortilla chips are cuter when they've been licked naked.

4. Don't have children. Don't invite children over. If you have children, give them to friends in Wisconsin. Or we'll pull your tails to see how you like it. Don't think humans have tails? No? Well, then... we'll claw at your lowest vertebra.

5. Don't get too attached to anything you buy. Dark clothes, expensive bags, shoes, luggage. All are just aching to be clawed or, when swift and severe punishment is needed, peed upon.

6. Run humidifiers in winter. Until DFK scientists can conquer the spectre of static electricity, we can only assume you're shocking us on purpose. Make sure winter air is moist.

7. Leave the windows open. At all times. We know we weren't sitting there, looking out of it. We were going to in a minute. Fine. We'll just try to sharpen our claws on the glass.

8. Don't laugh. We're fully aware that we fell off the chair. Shut up. Go to hell. You made me do it. What's this spot on my back that's dirty? That should be cleaned.

9. Let us sniff whatever we want. Is that gross? Edible? Dead? All three? Well, how can we tell if our faces aren't in it? Can't you tell from our strangely strong little kitten arms that we will not be moved until we can sniff that? Thank you. Now... Can we lick that?

10. Ban vacuum cleaners. Oh my God, so scary! What the hell? STOP IT.